We're Back!

We're baaaaack...!! It's election time in America again, which means it's prime time for nuts, dicks, and boobs! Please feel free to welcome us back by sending any sort of food or - of course - tube socks. Also, it would be fun if you would leave some comments. (Unless, of course, they're negative comments. I mean - who needs that?)

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Science Confirms that Bill O'Reilly is a Dick

(Video from David Ippolito)

If you were wondering if Bill O'Reilly is really a dick or not, wonder no more. A study from Indiana University has confirmed that, yep, he's a dick.

The authors of the study looked at 115 hours of Billo rantings and used propaganda anaysis techniques to measure him against the infamous "radio priest" Father Charles Coughlin, long regarded as THE master propagandist (who also thought Hitler and Mussolini were pretty cool).

One of the seven propaganda techniques used in the study that O'Reilly has mastered is "name-calling." According to the study, he called someone a derogatory name once every 6.8 seconds during his editorial remarks. Man, you hardly have time to say anything else with that much name-calling going on.

And how does Billo stack up against Father Coughlin? According to the authors, "In this study, O'Reilly is a heavier and less-nuanced user of the propaganda devices than Coughlin." According to the study, "There were 12.91 incidents of propaganda use per minute in O'Reilly's monologue, whereas Coughlin used 8.00 per minute."

Congrats, sir! You are the biggest dick! So shut up before I cut your mic!

Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Liberals

(Video from Neal Gladstone)

Erik Jackson thinks that children's books are WAY too liberal and are brainwashing our kids with all kinds of evil liberal ideas. So a couple of years ago he wrote a book for kids called "Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!" in an attempt to even out the propaganda. His book is a shocking tale of a couple of boys who decide to open up their own lemonade stand so that they can buy a swing set. But, wouldn't you know it, a bunch of damn liberals drive them out of business.

Thank God for men like Erik Jackson! They are making sure that the younger generation won't grow up to be a bunch of tie-dye-wearing, veggie-eating, Volvo-driving, pinko lefties.

I have a story idea for Erik that he might consider for his next book...

As a reminder to kids of the importance of the second amendment, perhaps he could write a new version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, wherein the 3 bears, upon finding an intruder in their home, empty both barrels of a shotgun into the still-sleeping body of Goldilocks. The End.

Just a thought.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Bush's Poodle Off the Leash

Tony Blair has finally given up his cushy job as prime minister. He was coasting along just fine and was a rather popular leader until he decided to hitch his star to George W. Bush and his Iraq debacle. The reason Blair got tagged as "Bush's Poodle" is that he walked in lock-step with Bush and never once questioned or challenged him.

He leaves office with an approval rating almost as low as Bush, and although he professes to have no regrets, I'm guessing that when he's alone, he's cursing Bush under his breath.

When Bush was asked about the "poodle" moniker, he called it a "silly ridicule" and said...

"He's bigger than that. (a cocker spaniel, perhaps?) Somehow our relationship has been seen as Bush saying to Blair, 'Jump' and Blair saying, 'How high?' But that's just not the way it works. It's a relationship where we say, 'We're both going to jump together'."

They jumped, allright. Right into the abyss.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Students to Bush: Knock Off the Torture

(Video from The Divine Comedy)

Presidential Scholars are some of the best and brightest high school students in America. When a group of 50 of them visited the White House recently, they surprised President Bush with a letter they had composed, which stated that they "believe we have a responsibility to voice our convictions."

The letter continued...

"We do not want America to represent torture. We urge you to do all in your power to stop violations of the human rights of detainees, to cease illegal renditions, and to apply the Geneva Convention to all detainees, including those designated enemy combatants."

Deputy press secretary Dana Perino responded to the letter this way...

"The president enjoyed a visit with the students, accepted the letter and upon reading it let the students know that the United States does not torture and that we value human rights."

Well, there you go. The United States does not torture. I guess it's just been a big misunderstanding. Move along. Nothing to see here.

I must say, these kids are pretty ballsy to ask the President to his face to please, pretty please, stop torturing people. It gives me renewed hope for the future of the nation.

Ann Coulter Gets a Phone Request

Ann Coulter is often booked on one TV show or another and allowed to spout her bullshit unchallenged. So it was refreshing to see Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, call in to "Hardball" and politely request that Ann stop her hate-mongering personal attacks on people, particularly her husband.

In the most compelling moment of their conversation, Elizabeth Edwards said the following:

"You wrote a column a couple years ago which made fun of the moment of Charlie Dean's death, and suggested that my husband had a bumper sticker on the back of his car that said 'Ask Me About My Dead Son'. This is not legitimate political dialogue...It debases political dialogue. It drives people away from the process. We can't have a debate about issues if you're using this kind of language...I'm making this call as a mother. I'm the mother of that boy who died. My children participate -- these young people behind you are the age of my children. You're asking them to participate in a dialogue that's based on hatefulness and ugliness instead of on the issues and I don't think that's serving them or this country very well."

Of course, asking Coulter to stop her nasty personal attacks is like asking Dick Cheney to stop keeping everything secret. It's probably not going to happen. But it's good to know that some people are ready and willing to fight back.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Supremes to Students: Shut Up!

(Video from CNN)

Once again, that weenie Ken Starr is basking in the glow of victory. This time, he has saved us all from having to read evil banners that say "Bong Hits 4 Jesus."

The Supreme Court has ruled 5-4 that students have no right to advocate such a "pro-drug" message (although I contend that the same banner could reasonably be interpreted as a "pro-Jesus" message).

But hey, that's what you get for voting for Bush (you know who you are). As part of the package, you got more Bushies on the bench. Bushies who are more than willing to slowly but surely strip us of our most basic freedoms. Welcome to the new America, where free speech (especially for students) is quickly becoming a distant memory.

And raise your hand if you think Ken Starr needs to smoke a joint.

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Preacher Who Went Through Hell

(Video from NBC Dateline-Part 1)

(Video from NBC Dateline-Part 2)

Carlton Pearson was a superstar preacher. For 30 years, he preached a charasmatic message to what would eventually become thousands of followers. He had the ear of presidents. He had it made.

But it all came crashing down around him when he proclaimed that God had spoken to him and given him a radical message: There is no such place as Hell. After seeing the misery and suffering all around the world, Pearson began to preach that hell is here on earth, and that everyone had been saved by God's love and would go to heaven, not just the small minority of people who had been "born again."

Well, that just pissed off a whole lot of Christians, who were invested in the idea that God was a sadistic torturer who stood ready to send billions of people to a fiery eternal damnation in the pits of Hell. He was condemned as a heretic and became a pariah. His flock deserted him and he pretty much lost everything he had built up over the last 30 years.

But the preacher man is making a comeback. His "Gospel of Inclusion" message has reached out to gays and lesbians and others who have been made to feel less than welcome in the evangelical Christian community. He's gaining new converts and feels that, even though he had to go through hell, he would do it all again.

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

Musical Interlude: The Puppini Sisters

The Puppini Sisters are the 21st-century incarnation of The Andrews Sisters, and they are hot! They are 2 Brits and an Italian who met each other in music school in London and are making a big splash in the U.S. Here they're singing "Wuthering Heights," which was written by Kate Bush and was a big hit for her in 1978.

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The Tale of the Trojan Pig

(Video from Trojan Condoms)

Trojan Condoms new ad campaign is called "Evolve," and is designed to start a discussion about sexual attitudes in America (as well as sell condoms, of course). Unfortunately, CBS and FOX have rejected their new ad, with FOX stating that "Contraceptive advertising must stress health-related uses rather than the prevention of pregnancy," and CBS stating "while we understand and appreciate the humor of this creative [ad], we do not find it appropriate for our network even with late-night-only restrictions."

So apparently these networks have no problem broadcasting salacious programming of their own during prime-time, but draw the line at allowing the Trojan company to broadcast a funny ad promoting responsible sexual behavior. Isn't hypocrisy wonderful?

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Saturday, June 23, 2007

Obama Girl Shakes Her Booty

(Video from barelypolitical.com)

Obama Girl has a serious crush on Barack Obama, and is singing her love to the world.

You know, politics can be pretty damn dry sometimes, so I, for one, am all for spicing things up with hot, sexy dancing girls whenever possible. I fully expect other hot babes to publicly proclaim their love for George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Tom Delay.

Or, uh, maybe not.

(The video below explains the making of the Obama Girl video.)

(Video from CNN)

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Get Your Filthy Hands Off Me!

(Video from Family Guy)

At Fairfax County middle school in Virginia, you can get busted for touching another human being. Not just inappropriate touching - any touching at all, anytime, anywhere. That means you can't shake hands when being introduced to someone, you can't high-five your buddy when you ace the big test, and you can't grab the ass of that cute girl in your chem lab (okay, maybe that's a bad example).

It's all because of the ridiculous "no-touching" rule at the school. It's the latest example of how idiot adults who run many of America's school systems overreact to a problem. When confronted with a gnat, they get out the old elephant gun and mow it down. If you've had a couple of problems with inappropriate touching, just outlaw ALL touching. Makes perfect sense.

Maybe it's time, though, to get really serious about the problem. Why not issue stun guns to all the students? That way, if someone gets too close to another student, and appears to be considering an illegal touch, a quick zap to the midsection will straighten out the offender and save him a trip to the principal's office.

Just a thought.

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Thursday, June 21, 2007

Musical Interlude: Paul Potts

Britain's Got Talent is Simon Cowell's new talent show in Britain. This is Paul Potts in his first appearance on the show. He's an amateur opera singer who spends his days working at The Carphone Warehouse. He blew away the judges and went on to win the competition. I think it's safe to say that he can quit his day job now.

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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Driving With The Pope

(Video from Shaun Micallef/The Micallef Program)

Apparently not satisfied with telling folks what to do (or not do) in the bedroom, the Vatican has decided to give us all some divine guidance on the moral aspects of driving. It's issued a 36-page document called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road,” a sort of 10 Commandments of Driving, which includes prohibitions on things like drunk driving, speeding, road rage, and using your car as a "place of sin." (Man, they just wanna take ALL the fun out of driving!)

Most of these things, of course, are common sense. Do we really need the Vatican to start playing nanny with us? Would it be too much to request that they stick to the religion business?

Coming soon: The Vatican's "10 Commandments of Personal Hygiene."

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Jack Bauer Saves America Again!

(Video from CNN)

Okay, I admit it. I enjoy watching "24." It's exciting television. But I always keep in mind that it's only a TV show. Many conservatives, however, seem to have a hard time making the distinction between TV and real life. They're in love with "24" and Jack Bauer because they see it as a validation of Bush's pro-torture policy. It proves to them that we have to torture if we don't want to be destroyed by the terrorists.

The latest conservative to prove my point is Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who recently, while participating in a panel discussion on torture and terrorism law, remarked...

"Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles...He saved hundreds of thousands of lives...Are you going to convict Jack Bauer? Say that criminal law is against him? 'You have the right to a jury trial?’ Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don’t think so.”

Scalia apparently was defending torture, believing that the ends justify the means. Of course, the ticking time bomb scenario portrayed every 10 minutes on "24" is, in reality, a very rare occurence. If we're going to use a TV show to justify our policy on terrorism, I think we're in even deeper trouble than I thought.

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Monday, June 18, 2007

Happy Father's Day from Hard Gay

Here in Japan, there is only one man who can both make people laugh and run away screaming in fear. His name is Hard Gay, and he's a true phenomenon. Here he is taking a Father's Day survey and doing his bit to make sure that today's kids are honoring their dads.

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Musical Interlude: Squirrel Nut Zippers

The Zippers are one of my favorite groups. In this unique video, they accompany a very cool Betty Boop-style surrealistic cartoon. It's called "The Ghost of Stephen Foster." Prepare your toes for some serious tapping.

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Sunday, June 17, 2007

Turd Blossom Stinkin' Up The Joint

(Video from Andy Cobb with a hat tip to Eminem)

Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove, the evil genius behind the Bush crime machine, finds himself in more hot water. Although, so far, he seems to be equipped with some kind of super teflon, his luck may be about to run out.

The 1939 Hatch Act is a law which prohibits using government agencies for partisan political purposes. Yet that didn't stop Rove's office from creating and presenting political briefings to about 20 different government agencies. The briefings were designed to encourage government employees to work for the re-election of Republicans.

The government's Office of Special Counsel is now investigating Rove's office to determine if the Hatch Act was violated. With any luck, we may yet get to see Rove doing a perp walk.

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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The Gay, Farting, Bad Breath Bomb

(Video from CBS5)

You can feel secure in the knowledge that the fine folks at the Pentagon never stop looking for ways to make the military better and in turn make us safer.

One of the unique ideas that was seriously considered in the past was something dubbed a "gay bomb." The idea was that you drop some kind of "gay" hormones on enemy troops so that they'll start making out with each other, and not want to fight anymore. You know...Make Love Not War!

You can't make this stuff up.

But wait...there's more. There were other ideas that these geniuses came up with. How about this? A "halitosis bomb" - a chemical that will give the enemy bad breath so you can find 'em more easily when they try to blend in with civilians. Or my personal favorite...a variant of the "halitosis bomb," the "fart bomb," also known as the "who, me"? bomb.

These are the people that are running the war now. And you wonder why things are so fucked up.

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Close Gitmo!

(Video from Boston Legal)

In the aftermath of 9/11, the Bush administration set up a whole new system of justice for suspected terrorists who had been rounded up willy-nilly in various places (often turned in by folks for cash rewards).They opened up a brand-spanking new jail in beautiful Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. They thought it would be a swell idea if these people weren't allowed to have lawyers and weren't even charged with anything. They would just keep them locked up and occassionally torture them.

Well, the chickens are finally coming home to roost. Court after court has ruled that the symstem is unconstitutional. The latest blow to their fun new system came from the Court of Appeals in Richmond, Virginia, in the case of Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri.

The court wrote, "The president lacks power to order the military to seize and indefinitely detain al-Marri. We have found no authority for holding that the evidence offered by the government affords a basis for treating al-Marri as an enemy combatant, or as anything other than a civilian," and ordered the Bush administration to transfer the prisoner to the criminal court system.

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell spoke out on this issue over the weekend. It makes sense to me. From Meet The Press...

POWELL: Guantanamo has become a major, major problem for America’s perception as it’s seen, the way the world perceives America. And if it was up to me, I would close Guantanamo not tomorrow, but this afternoon. I’d close it. And I would not let any of those people go. I would simply move them to the United States and put them into our federal legal system. The concern was, “Well, then they’ll have access to lawyers, then they’ll have access to writs of habeas corpus.” So what? Let them. Isn’t that what our system’s all about?

We'll see if Bush will listen to the voices of reason. He hasn't in the past, so I'm not holding my breath.

(The video once again showcases my favorite lawyer, Alan Shore. He says it much better than I could.)

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Monday, June 11, 2007

Alan Shore is My Hero

(Video from Boston Legal)

Boston Legal is one of my favorite TV shows. James Spader has created a classic character named Alan Shore, a lawyer who doesn't always play fair, but who fights for what he believes in. The show does a great job of integrating real life and real issues into their stories, and this clip is a classic example of that.

Alan Shore's secretary is on trial for not paying her taxes. She objects to what the government is doing and this is her way of protesting. In his closing argument, Shore addresses the current state of affairs in America and wonders why Americans aren't angrier. It's the kind of scene that makes you yell RIGHT ON out loud.

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Musical Interlude: Diana Krall

Diana Krall is a fantastic jazz singer who also happens to be married to Elvis Costello. Here she's singing Billy Joel's classic "Just The Way You Are."

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Saturday, June 9, 2007

Liberate Paris!

The world stopped everything it was doing yesterday to watch Paris Hilton in the back seat of a police car on her way to court. Good thing nothing else important was happening. Out of jail only one day, she now finds herself back in the slammer.

Do I think that celebrities should be treated just like everyone else? Of course. But to me it looks like the judge in this case was a dick and actually gave Hilton a much harsher penalty than usual because she's a celebrity. Now she's become a poltical football, going in and out of jail as the judge and sheriff fight it out over who's in control. And honestly, I think it's a tad unseemly for everyone to delight in her misfortune just because she's rich and famous.

Having said all that, the video is pretty funny.

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Thursday, June 7, 2007

An American Injustice

(Video from ESPN: Part 1)

(Video from ESPN: Part 2)

Genarlow Wilson was a 17-year-old high school senior. He was an outstanding student and a promising athlete. But he's been languishing in a Georgia prison since 2005 because he received consensual oral sex from a 15-year-old high school sophomore at a party one night.

His sentence: 10 years with no possibility of parole for "aggravated child molestation."

The outrage over this case has ballooned into gigantic proportions, but still, no one has had to the balls to step up to the plate and correct this injustice. However, he recently was granted a hearing before a judge, and he'll make a decision on Monday, June 11.

Of course, I'm sure the fact that Wilson is black had nothing to do with the sentence. I'm sure that if a suburban white teen-age boy had found himself in identical circumstances, he would have gotten the same treatment. Naturally.

Please watch the 2 videos. They tell the story much better than I can. If you feel compelled to help, you can sign this online petition.

UPDATE: Genarlow Wilson was ordered to be freed by a judge, but just as his mother and others began celebrating, word came down that the Georgia Attorney General was appealing the ruling, leaving Wilson in prison until the appeals process plays itself out. What is wrong with these people?

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Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Dog Poop Lady Goes Free!

In my former hometown of Greeley, Colorado, a 64-year-old woman and her dog have struck a blow for free speech.

When Kathleen Ensz kept receiving unwanted political mailers from U.S. Rep. Marilyn Musgrave, she decided to take action. She took one of the mailers, wrapped it around some fresh dog poop from her beloved pet, and delivered it to Musgrave's office. She wanted to let Musgrave know that she didn't appreciate the continued junk mail and that she thought her politics "stink."

The D.A. in Greeely, who apparently doesn't have very many real cases, decided to charge Ensz with "criminal use of a noxious substance," and accused her of "intending to disrupt the use of the office building."

Ensz's lawyer argued that she didn't intend to disrupt anything, and that she only wanted to express her opinion. The jury agreed and found her not guilty.

Ensz said that she felt vindicated, but added, “I am sorry I did what I did, and I won’t do it again.”

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Monday, June 4, 2007

Musical Interlude: Jordin Sparks

(Video from American Idol)

Okay, I admit it. American Idol is one of my guilty pleasures. This year's group of singers was generally considered to be somewhat inferior to last year's group, but America did manage to choose a deserving winner. Jordin Sparks is only 17, but can belt out a tune like a pro, and has a long career in front of her. Here she's singing the old standard, You'll Never Walk Alone.

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A Sad Day in Japan

My adopted country of Japan is in mourning today after getting the news that Takeru Kobayashi's hot-dog eating record of 53 3/4 weiners was broken, nay, shattered by Joey Chestnut, who scarfed down 59 1/2 dogs in a mere 12 minutes.

I, for one, am outraged. Just a quick look at this photo of Mr. Chestnut (if that is, indeed, his real name) will demonstrate that he's been using steroids for years. Is this really the role model we want our children to emulate?

Seriously, though, I've never really understood the appeal of a "sport" where the idea is to stuff yourself silly in a short period of time. I may be wrong, but I'm guessing that eating in this manner can't be all that good for you. I wonder what the life expectancy is for these guys.

In America, where obesity is at an all-time high, maybe we could find a healthier way to compete in the food arena. Here's an idea...my mom always told me to chew each bite 40 times. How about a contest to find the person who can chew one bite the most times?

The good news is that, as I embark on my first really serious diet in a very long time, watching these goofballs pig out is actually acting as motivation for me.

One more thing...could someone please explain to all those idiots in the video that Japanese people and Chinese people are not the same. Really, they're not. Jeez.

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Godfather IV: Fredo's Revenge

It looks like former Attorney General John Ashcroft may be testifying soon in front of Congress about the bizarre episode in which the current Attorney General (who was then Bush's counsel), Alberto Gonzales, rushed over to Ashcroft's hospital bed to try to get him to approve of the administration's nefarious (and illegal) warrentless eavesdropping plan. Fortunately, former deputy Attorney General James Comey was able to rush to Ashcroft's bedside to warn him, and when Gonzales showed up, pen in hand, to pressure Ashcroft to sign, he refused.

Bush eventually signed off on the plan, but was forced to make some changes after as many as 30 angry Justice Department officials (including the head of the FBI, Robert Mueller) threatened to resign.

I never liked Ashcroft much, but I have to admire him for showing some balls in this case and standing up for the rule of law.

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Friday, June 1, 2007

Dick Cheney, Proud Grandpa

Dick and Lynne Cheney are the proud grandparents of a beautiful baby boy. Mary Cheney and Heather Poe are the proud parents. But Stephen "I used to be gay, but I got myself cured" Bennett is not exactly thrilled about it. In fact, he's downright indignant. It seems that the White House published a picture on their website of the tyke with his grandpa and grandma, and referred to the child's "parents." Well, according to Stephen, since this baby has two mommies, this means that the White House is recognizing the legitimacy of gay marriage.

Stephen, acting as a spokesperson for that creepy group of Republican Stepford Wives known as the Concerned Women of America, bellowed...

I say shame on the White House, shame on the President and shame on the Vice President for allowing such a caption to be "officially" added onto the White House website and such a beautiful photo of two happy grandparents and their new grandchild.

I guess we can tragically and officially say both the White House and Bush Administration have officially recognized the sinful sexual unions of homosexuals, as well as recognized and embraced the tragedy of the social experiment of homosexual parenting.

The hypocricy of just about everyone involved in this story is staggering. You've got a homophobe administration with a vice-president who supports it, but also happens to have a lesbian daughter. You've got a prominent lesbian daughter who pays lip service to the cause of gay rights, but still supports the Republican party. And now you've got a right-wing homophobe blasting the right-wing homophobe administration for supporting gays.

I think my head is going to explode.

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Beyonce or Bush? That is the Question

Beyonce or Bush? Who would you rather have dinner with? That is what is known in the industry as a "no-brainer."

Hmmm, let's see...hot sexy babe, or lying conniving politican?

I'd like an order of Beyonce, please. Hold the Bush.

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