We're Back!

We're baaaaack...!! It's election time in America again, which means it's prime time for nuts, dicks, and boobs! Please feel free to welcome us back by sending any sort of food or - of course - tube socks. Also, it would be fun if you would leave some comments. (Unless, of course, they're negative comments. I mean - who needs that?)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The PolitiChicks to the Rescue!

The PolitiChicks are here and are taking the world by storm! Apparently conservatives have not been allowed to speak their mind for the last 40 years (at least according to the hot blonde PolitiChick), but these spicy gals are here to change all that! Along with the previously mentioned hot blonde PolitiChick, you've got the hot brunette with a monotone voice PolitiChick, the hot black kinda serious PolitiChick, and last but not least, the Queen of Crazy PolitiChick, Victoria Jackson herself!

Your initial reaction upon viewing their first episode (after expressing your sincere appreciation for some truly lovely gams on full display), might be to assume that what you just watched was a brilliant piece of satire whose aim was to skewer those on the right who might charitably be called "batshit crazy." But, lamentably, you would be wrong. Think of this show as kinda like "The View," except with four Elizabeth Hasselbecks - on steroids!

Most of the first show was dedicated to pursuing a fact-free discussion of Islam. After Crazy Vicky sang her little song about how nasty Muslims are ("they like beheadings and pedophile weddings"), the group proceeded to throw around some pretty WTF statements about them (even though they insist that they really LOVE Muslims). Crazy Vicky was shocked to learn that Muslim butchers say "Allah Akbar" before they cut the meat. She scoffed when her liberal friend told her that she should check with Snopes.com, the well-respected arbiter of Internet sense and nonsense, about that idea, confidently telling everyone that Snopes.com is owned by the devil himself, George Soros, and therefore was not to be believed. (No, of course that's not true, but she probably read it in a forwarded email or on World Net Daily, and that's good enough for her.)

After monopolizing the first 10 minutes of the show, Crazy Vicky turned it over to the hot brunette for her take on the whole Muslim meat thing. Excited by her chance to say something truly important about this subject, she began...

"Well, you know what else they say that before, er, you know what else they, uh, when they say that what else they say that before they do..."

Perhaps not surprisingly, while a normal person might find it difficult to decipher such jibberish, Crazy Vicky immediately took her point...

"Before they KILL people!" she screamed excitedly.

"On planes, yeah!" exclaimed the hot brunette.

"On 9/11!" concluded Crazy Vicky.

So there you have it. Muslims say "God is Great" before they cut meat and kill people. That's really all you need to know. But wait, it gets worse. The hot brunette is in a tizzy because some universities have installed foot baths to accommodate their Muslim students - apparently she believes that Muslim feet should be as dirty as Christian feet. (And yet, we Christians can't have our Christmas trees, wails the hot blonde.) And Crazy Vicky is very confused about why liberals don't hate Muslims as much as she does - because liberals love gays, and Muslims want to kill gays. (It's probably best not to tell her that the Bible also talks about killing gays. It would just confuse her even more.)

But hey, here's something I didn't know - apparently it is now completely legal for Muslims in America to behead their wives - because of that whole Sharia law taking over our judicial system thing. But they probably shouldn't talk too much about that, or the rest of the country will be demanding that they be given the same right.

The fearsome foursome has one final bone to pick with Muslims before they move on to bashing gays. While they are willing to concede that "not all Muslims are terrorists," they are equally insistent that "all terrorists are Muslims!" Someone urgently needs to point these ladies to the Google machine, where they will quickly discover a rather long list of non-Muslim terrorists. They may also discover, along the way, that not all conservatives are morons, but all morons are conservatives.

Oh, lest I forget, Crazy Vicky makes a very observant point: Eric Holder and Janet Napolitano have "dead eyes," and she's pretty sure that they're both zombies and/or aliens. And to prove her point, she does dead-on impressions of both of them - although they oddly seem to be exactly the same.

Having spent so much time beating up Muslims, there is not much time left to take a swing at gay marriage, but the hot black serious one gives it her best shot. After quoting New York governor Andrew Cuomo's statement about needing to legalize gay marriage in all 50 states, and also the need to have anti-bullying laws, she incongruously asks the panel, "Are laws that define marriage as one man and one woman bullying laws?" Huh? She seems to have missed Cuomo's point by the proverbial country mile. Of course, anti-bullying laws are designed to protect gays (among others) from being bullied, but that whole concept appears to have gone right over her head. But what really worries the ladies is that pastors and priests are going to be forced to marry those icky people even if they don't like them. And yes, even photographers are at risk of being forced to take pictures of the hideous ceremonies against their will. Of course, none of that is true - the laws don't coerce anyone to take part in a ceremony against their will, but like I said, this show operates in a Fact-Free Zone.

I will say, so that I don't get accused of being a complete negative nelly, that Crazy Vicky may be crazy, but she has spunk! (Although I kind of feel the same way that Lou Grant does when it comes to spunk.) On this PolitiChicks introductory video, she generously allows that she loves Muslims, gays, and even all those people who leave nasty comments on the Internet calling her "a fat, has-been loser." Because Jesus loves them, and she loves Jesus, so therefore, ipso facto, she loves them.

So there you go. The PolitiChicks are here to kick some liberal ass. I can't wait for the next episode! UPDATE: Episode 2 is here, in which the ladies go into full birther mode to expose the nefarious truth of Barack Obama's birth certificate!

(By the way, if they were on TV, they'd probably have a serious ratings problem. Among the over 2200 comments registered so far, you'd be hard-pressed to find more than a handful of positive ones, and the video has so far registered 162 Likes and 3,921 Dislikes.)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Dastardly Mrs. Warren

Elizabeth Warren is a Democrat running for the Senate from Massachusetts. She still has to go through a Democratic primary, but she is the strong favorite to win the primary and go up against Republican Scott Brown, who currently holds the seat, in 2012.

Judging from the video above, just released by the Massachusetts Republican party, this Elizabeth Warren person is one scary woman. The shaky video, the blurred images, and the incessant drumbeat makes it clear that she is someone who is a clear and present danger to society. And to drive the point home, they are careful to note that she is the worst thing you can call someone - a Harvard professor!

But not only is she an evil Harvard professor, she is also prone to violence, which is clearly demonstrated by her stated desire to "throw rocks" at certain people. Those darn Harvard professors and their wily use of metaphors! Gee, if only the people that made this video had had an opportunity for a higher education, they might have been able to comprehend how a metaphor works!

In any event, judging from the anti-Wall Street mood of the country these days, Elizabeth Warren may be just the kind of senator people are looking for - someone who is a street fighter, someone who will stand up to Wall Street and corporate interests on behalf of the consumer. She was, after all, the woman responsible for the creation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, a new agency designed to make sure that consumers don't get screwed in their dealings with the big money boys. Anyone who has had a bad experience with their credit card company (which is pretty much everybody) can thank Mrs. Warren for forcing those companies to change the way they do business.

The video below should give you a much clearer picture of who Elizabeth Warren is. Although it's a very funny satire, I think it captures her spirit: "My name is Elizabeth Warren and I am running for United States Senate to fuck some shit up!"

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Values Voter Circus

The Values Voter Summit is an annual gathering of crazy people who come together to proclaim their "values" to the world. In their case, their values include hating on liberals, gay people, Obama, liberals, muslims, Democrats, atheists, Obama, and liberals. They really do not like liberals. Or Obama. Or gay people. Or muslims. Or atheists. So they come together every year and try to find some comfort in their shared bigotry. And what with the big election next year, the current crop of GOP candidates are treating this gathering as some sort of Mecca to which they must make a hajj (hey wait, I thought they hated Muslims) - because apparently they believe that there are enough of these crazy people scattered about the nation that they have to do a little song-and-dance to try to get their votes.

This year's gathering has turned into a rather amusing circus as Mormons and Christians have come out swinging, pummeling each other to a bloody pulp! Since the VVS folks are primarily right-wing Christians who believe that Mormons are (according to one of their speakers, a Dallas pastor) a CULT, you probably could have guessed that Mitt Romney, the cultist, might feel a bit awkward when getting up in front of them to solicit their support. You may not have guessed, however, that Rick Perry, who is not a cultist but a true Christian, would also face some awkwardness. After the aforementioned speaker who hates Mormons was selected to introduce Mr. Perry, the candidate found himself having to answer the question, "Do you believe Mormonism is a cult?" (For the record, Perry answered the question in the negative - because what, you thought he would say YES?)

But coming to the rescue just in the nick of time was everybody's favorite lunatic, Glenn Beck. Also a cultist, he apparently took some offense at the idea that he was not a true Christian, pointing out that Mormons went to all the trouble to put Jesus Christ's name right on their letterhead, for Christ's sake, so lay off already!

After the Mormons were disposed of, it was time for the star clown of this circus, one Mr. Bryan Fischer, to rally the crowd in a show of anti-Muslim bigotry on a scale that must be seen to be believed (see above video). He did this even though the previous speaker, the cultist Mitt Romney, had preached that "we should remember that decency and civility are values too. One of the speakers who will follow me today (I'm lookin' at you, Bryan Fischer) has crossed that line, I think. Poisonous language doesn't advance our cause - it's never softened a single heart or changed a single mind." Sadly, though, the only result of Romney's admonition was to be called "tasteless and tawdry" by Fischer, the Muslim hater - who also, by the way, made it clear that if our next president believes in evolution we may well lose ALL our freedoms! Now there's something to think about before pulling that lever or punching that chad!

So what have we learned from this circus? Well, I guess we've learned that Christians, Mormons, and Muslims can't seem to get along very well. And that only Christians get to go to heaven. Because, seriously, what fun is heaven if you have to share it with all those other icky people?