Azzam the American

There are dickheads and then there are dickheads. This guy makes most dickheads look like Mr. Rogers. What would possess someone to leave his California home and become a spokesperson for Al Qaeda?

Perhaps it was the fact that he was homeschooled. Or maybe it was all that Death Metal music he loved so much. He even wrote the occasional music review for a local magazine. Check out his review for an album called Acts of the Unspeakable:

The Bay Area quartet crank it up to a good fast grind on many of these tunes, notably `Tortured Moans of Agony,` Battery Acid Enema`, Blackness Within` and `Skullptures` ... This is an excellent release from some Death Metal pioneers!

Ah, yes. Battery Acid Enema. Talk about your romantic ballads. They don't write 'em like that anymore!

Then there is his review for a band called General Surgery.

This is basically a Swedish `supergroup` of death, featuring members of Dismember, Afflicted and Creamatory...Lyrically, the quote on the back cover pretty much sums it up: `Murder is the only way to kill time.`

This guy has apparently been a dick from way back.

By the way, his real name is Adam Yahiye Gadahn. He's been indicted for treason and is on the FBI'S Most Wanted Terrorists list. If you see him in your neighborhood, give 'em a call.

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Musical Interlude: Lena Horne

Enjoy this classic singer singing a classic song, Stormy Weather, from the 1943 movie of the same name. By the way, Lena Horne is 90 years old now and still performing.

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Don't Laugh: Challenge #2

Once again, we present you with a challenge: Watch this video and don't laugh. Don't even crack a smile. If you are successful at this challenge, you are obviously in a deep depression and should seek immediate psychiatric help.

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I'm Not the President, but I Play One On TV

(Video from Fox News)

Fred Thompson's advisers are saying that he'll announce his decision to join the Republican presidential race on a Law and Order platformn on the 4th of July. Expect lots and lots of flags at the announcement ceremony. The widely anticipated announcement is sure to throw the Republican race wide open, as conservatives are just not all that thrilled with their current choices.

Lots of comparisons will be made to Ronald Reagan, because they are (were) both very conservative and both actors. There is a lot of talk about how Thompson looks presidential, which I guess he does in a Lyndon Johnson, hound dog kind of way.

But the bottom line is Fred Thompson's views on most things are not all that different than George Bush's, and I suspect that the country, having had its fill of Bush, will be looking for someone who is the polar opposite.

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Sex is Bad!

(Video from Penn and Teller's Bullshit)

The U.S. government is very good at wasting the taxpayers' money, and one of the most glaring examples of that is the millions and millions of dollars it pours into Abstinence Only programs. Trying to tell teenagers not to have sex until they get married is like telling George Bush not to make war.

Of course, if this program was effective at stopping teen pregnancy or lowering HIV infections, then it might be worth the money. But of course, it's not. It's just another example of the Bush administration trying to force its morality on the rest of us.

You may wonder what exactly is being taught in these classes. This is it in a nutshell:

1) You are expected to not have sex until you're married.
2) Not having sex is the ONLY way to avoid pregnancy, STDs, and other health problems.
3) If you have sex outside of marriage, many bad things will happen to you.
4) If you have a baby without being married, many bad things will happen to you.
5) We will teach you how to "reject sexual advances."
6) You should be "self-sufficient" (whatever that means) before you have sex.

The programs also discourage the use of condoms by comparing it to a game of Russian Roulette:

“The first player spins the cylinder, points the gun to his/her head, and pulls the trigger. He/she has only one in six chances of being killed. But if one continues to perform this act, the chamber with the bullet will ultimately fall into position under the hammer, and the game ends as one of the players dies. Relying on condoms is like playing Russian roulette.”

And so, using this scientific analogy, they are able to pull this "fact" out of their ass:

“At the least, the chances of getting pregnant with a condom are 1 out of 6.”

Here's an idea. Forget this Abstinence Only crap and give kids ALL the facts about sex. Just a thought.

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Pat Boone's New 10 Commandments

(Video from Smacky Productions)

Pat Boone, the 50's crooner whose audience consisted of kids who thought Elvis was too nasty, has published an essay called 10 Commandments, 2 Versions. In it, he asserts that the biblical 10 Commandments are all anyone really needs to live a moral and decent life. Just 10 simple rules. What's not to love?

He goes on to whine about how American courts have created a new set of 10 Commandments that are, as we speak, destroying American civilization. The ACLU (those communist bastards!), he bellows, is "increasingly imposing its atheistic, humanistic, amoral views on America – and blatantly robbing the majority of their civil liberties!"

Here are 2 examples of Pat's new version of the 10 Commandments as dictated by the ACLU (those hippie bastards!) :

#VII: Thou shalt not dare to define marriage as only between one man and one woman.

#X: Thou shalt not teach creation or intelligent design or any understanding of human origin except evolution.

Pat is still apparently struggling with the concept of Separation of Church and State. He apparently won't be happy until all Americans are forced to subscribe to his beliefs and the American government becomes a theocracy.

But Pat should be happy these days. George W. is about as close to fulfulling his dream as he's likely to get. Hopefully, the coming election will give Americans the chance to steer away from the dangerous course that Bush has set.

Pat Boone...super-patriot, super-Christian, super-boob.

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When Johnny Comes Marching Home

Memorial Day is a day set aside to honor all the brave Americans who have died in war. Whatever you happen to think about the current war, you have to respect and honor those men and women who have volunteered to leave their friends and families to fight in a hellhole.

But people who say that if you don't support Bush's idiotic policy, you don't support the troops, are nuts. How is wanting the troops to come home now, back to their families, instead of continuing to be killed in someone else's civil war, not supporting the troops?

Bush is apparently ready to continue this war ad ininitum. More soldiers will die needlessly. John Kerry asked the right question in 1968, "Who wants to be the last soldier to die for a mistake?"

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Burger Execs Don't Have A Sense of Humor

Jack-in-the-Box has some pretty funny commercials, but don't tell that to the suits over at CKE Restaurants, Inc. They're the fine folks who run the Carl's Jr. and Hardee's fast-food joints. They've got their knickers in a bunch because they want people to know that their new Angus burgers do not, I repeat, do NOT come from a cow's anus. Apparently they're afraid that when Jack-in-the-Box makes fun of their new "Angus" burgers, people will get confused and think they're eating a cow's ass.

So they're doing what all good corporations do when they discover that they're missing their funny bone. They sue. They're trying to get the court to order Jack-in-the-Box to pull the offending ads.

"They're not being funny," CEO Andrew F. Puzder sniffed. "They need to stop misleading people about what Angus beef is."

So take a look at the commercial and judge for yourself if it's funny or not. Personally, I laughed my anus off.

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Musical Interlude: Bette Midler

Here's a little something to get you out of your funk and on your feet. It's Bette Midler and some very hot mermaids singing the WWII classic, Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.

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How Many Assholes Does it Take to Screw Up a Funeral?

Wow! I just don't know where to start with this story. It's not often you get 3 certifiably crazy assholes converging into one really wierd story.

Let's start with Mark David Uhl (asshole #1). He was a student at Liberty University, the training camp for right-wing Christian soldiers run (until recently) by the late Jerry Falwell (asshole #2). When it came time to conduct the funeral for Jerry, homophobe-in-chief Fred Phelps (asshole #3), decided that he and his wacked-out family were going to picket it, bizarrely claiming that Falwell was "a friend of gays."

Still with me? Okay, back to asshole #1. Uhl decides that it would be a swell idea to make good use of his Liberty University education by making some homemade bombs (bomblets, really) to stop asshole #3 from disrupting the funeral of asshole #2. But, alas, the police get wind of his plot. Curses, foiled again!

The video is asshole #3 gloating about how the police foiled the plot of asshole #1. Apparently, the real reason asshole #3 hated asshole #2 is that asshole #2 dissed him at some point. If you can take more than a couple minutes of it, you have a stronger stomach than I do.

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Is Cheney Plotting Against Bush?

Steven Clemons at The Washington Note is reporting that his Washington sources are telling him that Vice-President Dick Cheney, who's always had a hard-on to bomb Iran, may be plotting to force Bush to do the deed. Unhappy that Bush has chosen the diplomatic path with Iran, Cheney may try to get Israel to attack Iran, forcing Iran to retaliate against the U.S. in the Gulf, thereby giving the U.S. justification to go to war with Iran.

He writes...

The thinking on Cheney's team is to collude with Israel, nudging Israel at some key moment in the ongoing standoff between Iran's nuclear activities and international frustration over this to mount a small-scale conventional strike against Natanz using cruise missiles (i.e., not ballistic missiles).

This strategy would sidestep controversies over bomber aircraft and overflight rights over other Middle East nations and could be expected to trigger a sufficient Iranian counter-strike against US forces in the Gulf -- which just became significantly larger -- as to compel Bush to forgo the diplomatic track that the administration realists are advocating and engage in another war.

When I first read this, I thought Holy Shit! That sounds crazy! Then I remembered he was talking about Dick Cheney, a man who is clearly insane. On the bright side, if Cheney really were involved in these kinds of secret shenanigans, they clearly aren't secret anymore. But it sure would add fuel to the impeachment fire that Dennis Kucinich has started.

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Is It Time For The Electric Car?

Imagine never having to buy gasoline again. Imagine a nation not dependent on foreign oil. Imagine cities with clean air, and a world that has solved global warming.

Tesla Motors has imagined all that, and is ready to present to the world The Tesla Roadster, an all-electric car that could just be the beginning of something big. This beautiful sports car goes from 0-60 in 4 seconds, gets over 200 miles per charge, and costs less than 2 cents per mile to drive.

At just under $100,000, this car will have a limited market. But the company plans to use the profits from the sale of the initial high-end cars to manufacture all-electric cars for the rest of us.

Of course, electric cars made a splash in the 90's, but they ended up in the junk pile, thanks to, among other reasons, opposition from car manufacturers and oil companies. But if Tesla can overcome the built-in opposition to the electric car from the naysayers, they just might change the world.

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Musical Interlude: Paul McCartney

One of the greastest performers of all time has just released this brand-new music video as a promo for his soon-to-be released CD, Memory Almost Full. It's called Dance Tonight. The video guest stars Natalie Portman as the cute ghost. You may recognize the package delivery man from the British version of The Office.

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Civil War on The View

In many ways, the WWF-style verbal fisticuffs on full display on The View represent the bitter divide that cuts through America today. It's left vs. right, liberal vs. conservative, athiests vs. God, blond vs. brunette.

George W. Bush once promised to be a "uniter, not a divider." Apparently he had his fingers crossed when he made that promise. He has done more to split the American populace than any president that I can remember.

Unfortunately for him, the number of Americans willing to follow him into the abyss has grown smaller and smaller. People are turning against him because he doesn't respond to what the people want. He goes his own merry way, happily waging war as the nation screams, "Are you nuts? Stop the goddamn war!"

He has damaged America's reputation around the world for years to come. We can only hope that (assuming we survive the next year and a half) the next president will have the intelligence and compassion required to bring Americans together and once again make America the respected leader of the free world.

Amen.

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W Meets the Press

(Video from Late Night with David Letterman)

Every time I see Bush at a press conference, I can't help but cringe. This is the man who represents the American people to the world, yet he stands up there and talks and acts like a buffoon.

Here's my most cringe-worthy moment from yesterday's press conference...

Q: Mr. President, why is he [Osama bin Laden] still at large?

THE PRESIDENT: Why is he at large? Because we haven't got him yet, Jim. That's why. And he's hiding, and we're looking, and we will continue to look until we bring him to justice. We've brought a lot of his buddies to justice, but not him. That's why he's still at large.

I see. He's still at large because we haven't got him yet. Well, that certainly clears it up. Thanks for the insightful analysis, Mr. President.

Perhaps the highlight of the presser, though, was when a sparrow flying above the president, hearing him once again endorse Alberto Gonzales, offered his opinion by dropping a load on the presidential jacket.

The sparrow was wrestled to the ground by the secret service.

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Musical Interlude: Michael Buble

He's been called the "next Sinatra." He's a Canadian crooner named Michael Buble, and his career has taken off like a rocket. Here he's singing a classic song from 1966, Feeling Good.

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Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged

Roy Pearson is a judge in Washington D.C. He's also a giant dick. He's suing his neighborhood dry cleaner for $67 million for "losing" his favorite pair of pants. He said he was really looking forward to wearing them on his first day on the bench, even though every judge I've ever seen wears a robe. He could be wearing no pants at all under there and no one would ever know!

He's claiming that the Korean couple who owns the dry cleaner committed fraud because they had signs in their window reading "Satisfaction Guaranteed" and "Same Day Service." And, oh, by the way, the dry cleaner insists they found his pants a few days after they went missing, but the dickhead claims they weren't his pants.

The case comes before a real judge soon. If he doesn't throw this case out, and make the fake judge pay a whole shitload of money to the Korean couple for all the mental anguish he caused, Congress should seriously consider abandoning the jury system altogether.

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Michael Vick is Not a Dog's Best Friend

Michael Vick is the star quarterback for the NFL's Atlanta Falcons. He's in hot water and may be suspended because of what police found on his property.

Last April 25, police raided Vick's property and seized 66 dogs (including 55 pit bulls), along with other items associated with dog fighting (treadmills, syringes and a "pry bar" to forcefully open a dog's jaws).

Vick claims that a cousin was living in his house, and he had no idea that he was involved in illegal dog fighting. Police are still investigating. The dogs will most likely have to be put down because they've been bred to be dangerous fighting animals.

I guess I don't get the entertainment value that some people derive from watching dogs rip each other apart. What kind of sick moron gets a thrill out of breeding dogs to fight and then cheering as they try to mutilate each other? I suppose the same could be said of boxing, but at least with boxers, there is a choice involved. These dogs are forced into this horrible life by their idiot owners.

If Michael Vick was involved in dog fighting, I hope they throw the book at him.

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Hookers for Hillary!

(Video from Real Time with Bill Maher)

The excitement over the big Deborah Palfrey (aka the D.C. Madam) sex scandal has died down somewhat, although her lawyer says that there may be more big names of clients coming down the pike.

We're now learning a bit more about the madam's political inclinations. She supports Hillary in '08 and "hates" Bush. ("There goes your pardon," her lawyer quipped.)

This makes sense to me. The way I see it, Democrats actually enjoy sex and Republicans think it's a horrid sin to be avoided at all costs. So I won't be surprised if some Democrats are named as clients. The fun part is watching Republicans try to explain their hypocrisy when they get caught with their pants down.

I'm still a bit puzzled, though, how you can run an escort service and hate bush.

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How NOT to Raise Your Son

(Video from Fox News)

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the right-wing radio "therapist" who loves to preach "family values" and tell listeners how to raise their kids in a "moral" way, apparently has not followed her own advice very well. The author of "Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Kids" has a son named Deryk Schlessinger. He's a soldier in the Army who was deployed earlier this year. According to an article in the Salt Lake Tribune, Deryk is...

under investigation for a graphic personal Web page that one Army official has called “repulsive.” The MySpace page, publicly available until Friday when it disappeared from the Internet, included cartoon depictions of rape, murder, torture and child molestation; photographs of soldiers with guns in their mouths; a photograph of a bound and blindfolded detainee captioned “My Sweet Little Habib”; accounts of illicit drug use; and a blog entry headlined by a series of obscenities and racial epithets.

According to the Tribune article, this creep wrote on his MySpace page:

I LOVE MY JOB, it takes everything reckless and deviant and heathenistic and just overall bad about me and hyper focuses these traits into my job of running around this horrid place doing nasty things to people that deserve it . . . and some that don’t.

Now I suppose you could say that it's unfair to blame Dr. Laura for her psycho son, but she has always been the first one to say that parents are responsible for their children's behavior.

Geez, just when everyone finally stopped talking about her nude photos, this has to happen. If it ain't one thing, it's another!

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