Abdul the Reluctant Martyr

Video from Modern Man)

Apparently some terrorists are less committed than others. Abdul is one of them. He would "rather grow up than blow up."

This very funny video is from Modern Man, a group of three very funny old guys (in other words, my age), who wrote this song in an attempt to become famous. According to their website, they were "transparently trying to get a fatwa issued on themselves for the sake of notoriety."

Although most people believe that terrorists must have had their funny bones surgically removed, I'm guessing that there are some out there who might see this and think, "That Abdul is a funny guy. Maybe I will follow in his footsteps."

And Modern Man will have done their part in saving the world.

Do I Creep You Out?

Do I Creep You Out | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Here's a song for all the women out there who have been followed, harrassed, stalked, and just plain annoyed by some creep. In case you don't recognize it, it's a parody of Taylor Hicks' song, "Do I Make You Proud?" by Weird Al Yankovic. And yes, I think it's okay to make fun of Taylor Hicks, because Katherine McPhee should have won.

Karl Rove: Gone But Not Forgotten

(Video from Campaign for America's Future)

Karl Rove, George Bush's right-hand man and a really, really bad rapper, has announced his resignation "to spend more time with his family." It's amazing to me that politicians still think that people buy that bullshit excuse when they're shown the door. It's on a level with "the dog ate my homework." Please. Have a little respect for our intelligence.

Rove says he was not forced out, but you have to wonder about the timing. Why would a man who has been at Bush's side for 14 years suddenly leave with just months left before Bush's term comes to an end?

As Ol' Turd Blossom rides into the sunset, let's review his legacy. Although he is regarded by some as a political genius, you wouldn't know it by the mess he's created and left for others to clean up. Rove used to talk about establishing a "permanent Republican majority," but his party now has him to thank for a failed presidency, a calamity in Iraq, the loss of Congress, and possibly the loss of power in Washington for a generation or more. So he may turn out to be right about a "permanent majority," just the wrong party.

This is the man who was at the center of the Valerie Plame affair - a sordid episode in which a CIA agent was outed as revenge for her husband's expose of Bush's lies about Iraq. His standard operating procedure when it came to winning elections was to employ dirty tricks at every opportunity. It was apparently easier than trying to win by campaigning on your candidate's strengths.

He once famously said in a 2005 speech, "Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and the attacks and prepared for war. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers." Typiclal Rovespeak - demonize your opponents even if it means making stuff up.

But his deceitfulness is finally catching up with him. He is the subject of multiple investigations having to do with various forms of illegal acts and other skullduggery, from the possible violation of the Hatch Act for politically-motivated presentations to government agencies to the politically-motivated firings of U.S. Attorneys.

He may think that by resigning, he'll take himself out of the line of fire, but I think he'll be dissappointed in that regard. Now that he's no longer a member of the executive branch, he may find himself stripped of certain protections and more vulnerable to investigators.

So long, Karl. Don't the the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

The Debating Game

(Video from NBC/Tonight Show)

As the 2008 Presidential campaign starts to heat up, people are beginning to look forward to next year's debates between the 2 major candidates.

But before those take place, it may be instructive to look back to the 2004 debates between Bush and Kerry. Some truly innovative techniques were demonstrated in those debates, and it would behoove any potential candidates to study them closely.

Bush vs. the Zombies

One of the lesser-covered stories in recent days is George Bush's new campaign against zombies. Apparently zombies are everywhere and are threatening the homeland. Thank God the prez is hot on their trail.

If you've ever had your brain eaten by a zombie, you know what a nuisance they can be. So I say spare no expense to rid the world of them. Send in the marines, send in the special forces, send in Condeleeza Rice. Do whatever you have to do.

God Bless You, Sir!

Why Americans Love FOX News

(Video from The Chaser's War on Everything)

The American people's love of FOX News is one of the most perplexing mysteries of the universe. What is it exactly that causes more people to tune into this poor excuse for a news channel than any other channel?

I have a theory. I don't think it's because people want to find out the "truth," or because they want to get in-depth and impartial analysis of the day's events. I mean, obviously it's not that. It could be because they have a real appreciation of Bill O'Reilly's fine sense of fashion, but somehow I doubt that's the case, either.

I think people tune in for the same reason that they slow down when they see a car wreck, or stop and gawk at someone who's running down the street on fire. FOX News is the freak show at the circus; it's the guy who jams a needle through his cheek. It's disgusting, but you can't look away.

On another level, they're like a bunch of 12-year-old kids who think it's fun to mock people or make prank phone calls in the middle of the night. They're just not sophisticated enough to be a real news channel, but maybe someday, if they can learn how to to be "fair and balanced" in the real sense of that phrase, they might earn some respect.

But then again, that's probably the last thing they want. They wouldn't know what to do with it.

In this video from the Australian show, The Chaser's War on Everything, we get a foreigner's perspective on our friends at FOX News.

Dick Cheney: Lounge Lizard

(Video from Harry Shearer)

I don't know about you, but I often imagine how America would be so much better off today if only Dick Cheney had become a lounge singer instead of a politician. Now, the wonderful Harry Shearer has brought my fantasy to life.

Join Dick somewhere in an undisclosed piano bar as he croons his way into your heart with a touching love ballad about a man named Scooter (aka Cheney's Cheney). Your life may never be the same after watching Dick's poignant rendition of what is sure to become a classic.

And if, after viewing this, you find yourself having nightmares, I can give you the number of a very competent shrink.

Larry David Has Seen the Light

Larry David, the creator of Seinfeld, has seen the light and become an environmentalist, and it's all because of tuna. Of course, it might also have something to do with his wife (soon-to-be ex-wife), Laurie David, one of the producers of Al Gore's Oscar-winning An Inconvenient Truth.

By the way, if you're one of those people who have never seen Curb Your Enthusiasm, do yourself a favor and tune in.

Kramer Calls It Quits

(Video from National Lampoon)

Michael Richards' career went down in flames last November when he launched into a vicious racist tirade in the middle of his comedy club routine. He claimed not to be a racist, saying it was anger, not racism, that fueled his verbal attack, but it was hard to square that claim with the horrible language and imagery that spewed from his mouth.

Now Richards says he's quitting stand-up comedy, although I kind of doubt that he was getting many invitations to perform in the clubs. It's a bit like saying, "You can't fire me, I quit."

"That night, when I was insulted and disrupted, I lost my heart; I lost my sense of humor. I've retired from that. I'm taking time off to feel myself out, get to know myself and appreciate other people," he was quoted as saying.

He has recently shown up in Cambodia with his fiancee, which has people wondering if he's seeking out some sort of spiritual redemption. They were on a tour sponsored by the Nithyananda Foundation of Los Angeles.

But Richards says that he was "just a tourist....I listened in, but often my fiancée and I went on our own, to feel the temples in our own way. They're magnificent structures. It's great to just be in them and watch time go by. We'll probably be back."

I've always been a big Richards fan, going all the way back to his years on "Fridays." It's hard to watch someone that you've admired for so long self-destruct right in front of your eyes.

The Paranoid Conservative Mind

(Video from Lewis Black/The Daily Show)

I swear, conservatives have got to be the most paranoid people on earth. They see liberal bias everywhere...PBS, CBS, TIME, Newsweek, The New York Times, and now Wikipedia and YouTube. How do they know liberal bias when they see it? Easy. If the facts don't fit their whacked out view of the world, it's liberal bias!

When faced with an unpleasant fact from one of these evil media sources, instead of considering the merits of the story, they dismiss it as "liberal bias" and therefore unworthy of consideration. Then they run to Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, or Ann Coulter to get the "truth."

They live in their own world, a fantasy world where George Bush is the greatest president who ever lived and Dick Cheney is the grandfather they always wished they could have. A world where America can do no wrong, and if you don't agree, then you obviously hate America and should leave the country immediately.

Maybe one day they'll come to realize that the world is not black and white. It's made up of many colors. If they would only take off their rose-colored glasses, maybe they'd see it more clearly.

Adam and Eve Half-Naked in the Garden

(Video from Ricky Gervais)

Christopher Hitchen's latest book, God is Not Great, is subtitled How Religion Poisons Everything. This story is illustrative of his point.

In Pakistan, a monthly fashion magazine called Octane published an image of Hazrat Adam and Amma Hawwa, who are apparently the Islamic version of Adam and Eve. The fact that they were pictured "half-naked" made a local cleric see red, and he promptly issued a fatwa against the magazine's owners and publishers for committing blasphemy.

Funny, I thought being half-naked was an integral part of the story, what with the whole fig leaf fashion show and all. Call me crazy, but the death penalty seems just a wee bit harsh for not putting trousers on Adam and a moo-moo on Eve.

In another demonstration of the clerics' power in Pakistan, Nilofar Bakhtiar, the country's female Tourism Minister, was forced to resign after clerics threw a hissy fit upon seeing a photograph of her giving a hug to her male coach after completing a para-jump in France. Never mind the fact that she had done the para-jump as part of an effort to raise money for the victims of the Pakistan earthquake of October 2005. No, she was a hugger and so she had to go.

Sheesh. Just....sheesh.

iWant My iPhone!

(Video from Late Night with Conan O'Brien)

The new iPhone from Apple has arrived with all the fanfare of the second coming of Christ. You have to wonder how people ever managed to live their lives at all before this miracle device appeared on the scene. Apparently this new gadget will be the only thing you need to live a full and rewarding life.

With the new iPhone you can look forward to more meaningful relationships with your loved ones as well as a sudden increase in your self-esteem. You'll notice that those nasty spots on your skin will disappear overnight, and you can expect to add 20 years to your life expectancy.

So reach deep down into your pockets and fork out the dough. Your life will never be the same again (at least until the upgrade comes along.)

Obama Girl Shakes Her Booty

(Video from barelypolitical.com)

Obama Girl has a serious crush on Barack Obama, and is singing her love to the world.

You know, politics can be pretty damn dry sometimes, so I, for one, am all for spicing things up with hot, sexy dancing girls whenever possible. I fully expect other hot babes to publicly proclaim their love for George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Tom Delay.

Or, uh, maybe not.

(The video below explains the making of the Obama Girl video.)

(Video from CNN)

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Driving With The Pope

(Video from Shaun Micallef/The Micallef Program)

Apparently not satisfied with telling folks what to do (or not do) in the bedroom, the Vatican has decided to give us all some divine guidance on the moral aspects of driving. It's issued a 36-page document called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road,” a sort of 10 Commandments of Driving, which includes prohibitions on things like drunk driving, speeding, road rage, and using your car as a "place of sin." (Man, they just wanna take ALL the fun out of driving!)

Most of these things, of course, are common sense. Do we really need the Vatican to start playing nanny with us? Would it be too much to request that they stick to the religion business?

Coming soon: The Vatican's "10 Commandments of Personal Hygiene."

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Happy Father's Day from Hard Gay

Here in Japan, there is only one man who can both make people laugh and run away screaming in fear. His name is Hard Gay, and he's a true phenomenon. Here he is taking a Father's Day survey and doing his bit to make sure that today's kids are honoring their dads.

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Turd Blossom Stinkin' Up The Joint

(Video from Andy Cobb with a hat tip to Eminem)

Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove, the evil genius behind the Bush crime machine, finds himself in more hot water. Although, so far, he seems to be equipped with some kind of super teflon, his luck may be about to run out.

The 1939 Hatch Act is a law which prohibits using government agencies for partisan political purposes. Yet that didn't stop Rove's office from creating and presenting political briefings to about 20 different government agencies. The briefings were designed to encourage government employees to work for the re-election of Republicans.

The government's Office of Special Counsel is now investigating Rove's office to determine if the Hatch Act was violated. With any luck, we may yet get to see Rove doing a perp walk.

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Beyonce or Bush? That is the Question

Beyonce or Bush? Who would you rather have dinner with? That is what is known in the industry as a "no-brainer."

Hmmm, let's see...hot sexy babe, or lying conniving politican?

I'd like an order of Beyonce, please. Hold the Bush.

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Don't Laugh: Challenge #2

Once again, we present you with a challenge: Watch this video and don't laugh. Don't even crack a smile. If you are successful at this challenge, you are obviously in a deep depression and should seek immediate psychiatric help.

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Hookers for Hillary!

(Video from Real Time with Bill Maher)

The excitement over the big Deborah Palfrey (aka the D.C. Madam) sex scandal has died down somewhat, although her lawyer says that there may be more big names of clients coming down the pike.

We're now learning a bit more about the madam's political inclinations. She supports Hillary in '08 and "hates" Bush. ("There goes your pardon," her lawyer quipped.)

This makes sense to me. The way I see it, Democrats actually enjoy sex and Republicans think it's a horrid sin to be avoided at all costs. So I won't be surprised if some Democrats are named as clients. The fun part is watching Republicans try to explain their hypocrisy when they get caught with their pants down.

I'm still a bit puzzled, though, how you can run an escort service and hate bush.

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Confess Your Sins to Oprah!

(Video from Robert Smigel/TV Funhouse)

Everywhere you look these days, you see presidential candidates popping up on TV talk shows. Letterman, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and many more. Candidates go on these shows to try to "humanize" themselves (a difficult task in some cases).

Of course, one of the dangers of going on these shows is the possibility that you might let one of your skeletons escape out of the closet. On the other hand, there is the school of thought that says you should get all of your skeletons out of the closet up front.

This video shows what might happen if all the candidates decided to follow that course of action.

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