Azzam the American

There are dickheads and then there are dickheads. This guy makes most dickheads look like Mr. Rogers. What would possess someone to leave his California home and become a spokesperson for Al Qaeda?

Perhaps it was the fact that he was homeschooled. Or maybe it was all that Death Metal music he loved so much. He even wrote the occasional music review for a local magazine. Check out his review for an album called Acts of the Unspeakable:

The Bay Area quartet crank it up to a good fast grind on many of these tunes, notably `Tortured Moans of Agony,` Battery Acid Enema`, Blackness Within` and `Skullptures` ... This is an excellent release from some Death Metal pioneers!

Ah, yes. Battery Acid Enema. Talk about your romantic ballads. They don't write 'em like that anymore!

Then there is his review for a band called General Surgery.

This is basically a Swedish `supergroup` of death, featuring members of Dismember, Afflicted and Creamatory...Lyrically, the quote on the back cover pretty much sums it up: `Murder is the only way to kill time.`

This guy has apparently been a dick from way back.

By the way, his real name is Adam Yahiye Gadahn. He's been indicted for treason and is on the FBI'S Most Wanted Terrorists list. If you see him in your neighborhood, give 'em a call.

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Musical Interlude: Lena Horne

Enjoy this classic singer singing a classic song, Stormy Weather, from the 1943 movie of the same name. By the way, Lena Horne is 90 years old now and still performing.

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Don't Laugh: Challenge #2

Once again, we present you with a challenge: Watch this video and don't laugh. Don't even crack a smile. If you are successful at this challenge, you are obviously in a deep depression and should seek immediate psychiatric help.

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I'm Not the President, but I Play One On TV

(Video from Fox News)

Fred Thompson's advisers are saying that he'll announce his decision to join the Republican presidential race on a Law and Order platformn on the 4th of July. Expect lots and lots of flags at the announcement ceremony. The widely anticipated announcement is sure to throw the Republican race wide open, as conservatives are just not all that thrilled with their current choices.

Lots of comparisons will be made to Ronald Reagan, because they are (were) both very conservative and both actors. There is a lot of talk about how Thompson looks presidential, which I guess he does in a Lyndon Johnson, hound dog kind of way.

But the bottom line is Fred Thompson's views on most things are not all that different than George Bush's, and I suspect that the country, having had its fill of Bush, will be looking for someone who is the polar opposite.

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Sex is Bad!

(Video from Penn and Teller's Bullshit)

The U.S. government is very good at wasting the taxpayers' money, and one of the most glaring examples of that is the millions and millions of dollars it pours into Abstinence Only programs. Trying to tell teenagers not to have sex until they get married is like telling George Bush not to make war.

Of course, if this program was effective at stopping teen pregnancy or lowering HIV infections, then it might be worth the money. But of course, it's not. It's just another example of the Bush administration trying to force its morality on the rest of us.

You may wonder what exactly is being taught in these classes. This is it in a nutshell:

1) You are expected to not have sex until you're married.
2) Not having sex is the ONLY way to avoid pregnancy, STDs, and other health problems.
3) If you have sex outside of marriage, many bad things will happen to you.
4) If you have a baby without being married, many bad things will happen to you.
5) We will teach you how to "reject sexual advances."
6) You should be "self-sufficient" (whatever that means) before you have sex.

The programs also discourage the use of condoms by comparing it to a game of Russian Roulette:

“The first player spins the cylinder, points the gun to his/her head, and pulls the trigger. He/she has only one in six chances of being killed. But if one continues to perform this act, the chamber with the bullet will ultimately fall into position under the hammer, and the game ends as one of the players dies. Relying on condoms is like playing Russian roulette.”

And so, using this scientific analogy, they are able to pull this "fact" out of their ass:

“At the least, the chances of getting pregnant with a condom are 1 out of 6.”

Here's an idea. Forget this Abstinence Only crap and give kids ALL the facts about sex. Just a thought.

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Pat Boone's New 10 Commandments

(Video from Smacky Productions)

Pat Boone, the 50's crooner whose audience consisted of kids who thought Elvis was too nasty, has published an essay called 10 Commandments, 2 Versions. In it, he asserts that the biblical 10 Commandments are all anyone really needs to live a moral and decent life. Just 10 simple rules. What's not to love?

He goes on to whine about how American courts have created a new set of 10 Commandments that are, as we speak, destroying American civilization. The ACLU (those communist bastards!), he bellows, is "increasingly imposing its atheistic, humanistic, amoral views on America – and blatantly robbing the majority of their civil liberties!"

Here are 2 examples of Pat's new version of the 10 Commandments as dictated by the ACLU (those hippie bastards!) :

#VII: Thou shalt not dare to define marriage as only between one man and one woman.

#X: Thou shalt not teach creation or intelligent design or any understanding of human origin except evolution.

Pat is still apparently struggling with the concept of Separation of Church and State. He apparently won't be happy until all Americans are forced to subscribe to his beliefs and the American government becomes a theocracy.

But Pat should be happy these days. George W. is about as close to fulfulling his dream as he's likely to get. Hopefully, the coming election will give Americans the chance to steer away from the dangerous course that Bush has set.

Pat Boone...super-patriot, super-Christian, super-boob.

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When Johnny Comes Marching Home

Memorial Day is a day set aside to honor all the brave Americans who have died in war. Whatever you happen to think about the current war, you have to respect and honor those men and women who have volunteered to leave their friends and families to fight in a hellhole.

But people who say that if you don't support Bush's idiotic policy, you don't support the troops, are nuts. How is wanting the troops to come home now, back to their families, instead of continuing to be killed in someone else's civil war, not supporting the troops?

Bush is apparently ready to continue this war ad ininitum. More soldiers will die needlessly. John Kerry asked the right question in 1968, "Who wants to be the last soldier to die for a mistake?"

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Burger Execs Don't Have A Sense of Humor

Jack-in-the-Box has some pretty funny commercials, but don't tell that to the suits over at CKE Restaurants, Inc. They're the fine folks who run the Carl's Jr. and Hardee's fast-food joints. They've got their knickers in a bunch because they want people to know that their new Angus burgers do not, I repeat, do NOT come from a cow's anus. Apparently they're afraid that when Jack-in-the-Box makes fun of their new "Angus" burgers, people will get confused and think they're eating a cow's ass.

So they're doing what all good corporations do when they discover that they're missing their funny bone. They sue. They're trying to get the court to order Jack-in-the-Box to pull the offending ads.

"They're not being funny," CEO Andrew F. Puzder sniffed. "They need to stop misleading people about what Angus beef is."

So take a look at the commercial and judge for yourself if it's funny or not. Personally, I laughed my anus off.

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Musical Interlude: Bette Midler

Here's a little something to get you out of your funk and on your feet. It's Bette Midler and some very hot mermaids singing the WWII classic, Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.

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How Many Assholes Does it Take to Screw Up a Funeral?

Wow! I just don't know where to start with this story. It's not often you get 3 certifiably crazy assholes converging into one really wierd story.

Let's start with Mark David Uhl (asshole #1). He was a student at Liberty University, the training camp for right-wing Christian soldiers run (until recently) by the late Jerry Falwell (asshole #2). When it came time to conduct the funeral for Jerry, homophobe-in-chief Fred Phelps (asshole #3), decided that he and his wacked-out family were going to picket it, bizarrely claiming that Falwell was "a friend of gays."

Still with me? Okay, back to asshole #1. Uhl decides that it would be a swell idea to make good use of his Liberty University education by making some homemade bombs (bomblets, really) to stop asshole #3 from disrupting the funeral of asshole #2. But, alas, the police get wind of his plot. Curses, foiled again!

The video is asshole #3 gloating about how the police foiled the plot of asshole #1. Apparently, the real reason asshole #3 hated asshole #2 is that asshole #2 dissed him at some point. If you can take more than a couple minutes of it, you have a stronger stomach than I do.

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Is Cheney Plotting Against Bush?

Steven Clemons at The Washington Note is reporting that his Washington sources are telling him that Vice-President Dick Cheney, who's always had a hard-on to bomb Iran, may be plotting to force Bush to do the deed. Unhappy that Bush has chosen the diplomatic path with Iran, Cheney may try to get Israel to attack Iran, forcing Iran to retaliate against the U.S. in the Gulf, thereby giving the U.S. justification to go to war with Iran.

He writes...

The thinking on Cheney's team is to collude with Israel, nudging Israel at some key moment in the ongoing standoff between Iran's nuclear activities and international frustration over this to mount a small-scale conventional strike against Natanz using cruise missiles (i.e., not ballistic missiles).

This strategy would sidestep controversies over bomber aircraft and overflight rights over other Middle East nations and could be expected to trigger a sufficient Iranian counter-strike against US forces in the Gulf -- which just became significantly larger -- as to compel Bush to forgo the diplomatic track that the administration realists are advocating and engage in another war.

When I first read this, I thought Holy Shit! That sounds crazy! Then I remembered he was talking about Dick Cheney, a man who is clearly insane. On the bright side, if Cheney really were involved in these kinds of secret shenanigans, they clearly aren't secret anymore. But it sure would add fuel to the impeachment fire that Dennis Kucinich has started.

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Is It Time For The Electric Car?

Imagine never having to buy gasoline again. Imagine a nation not dependent on foreign oil. Imagine cities with clean air, and a world that has solved global warming.

Tesla Motors has imagined all that, and is ready to present to the world The Tesla Roadster, an all-electric car that could just be the beginning of something big. This beautiful sports car goes from 0-60 in 4 seconds, gets over 200 miles per charge, and costs less than 2 cents per mile to drive.

At just under $100,000, this car will have a limited market. But the company plans to use the profits from the sale of the initial high-end cars to manufacture all-electric cars for the rest of us.

Of course, electric cars made a splash in the 90's, but they ended up in the junk pile, thanks to, among other reasons, opposition from car manufacturers and oil companies. But if Tesla can overcome the built-in opposition to the electric car from the naysayers, they just might change the world.

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Musical Interlude: Paul McCartney

One of the greastest performers of all time has just released this brand-new music video as a promo for his soon-to-be released CD, Memory Almost Full. It's called Dance Tonight. The video guest stars Natalie Portman as the cute ghost. You may recognize the package delivery man from the British version of The Office.

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Civil War on The View

In many ways, the WWF-style verbal fisticuffs on full display on The View represent the bitter divide that cuts through America today. It's left vs. right, liberal vs. conservative, athiests vs. God, blond vs. brunette.

George W. Bush once promised to be a "uniter, not a divider." Apparently he had his fingers crossed when he made that promise. He has done more to split the American populace than any president that I can remember.

Unfortunately for him, the number of Americans willing to follow him into the abyss has grown smaller and smaller. People are turning against him because he doesn't respond to what the people want. He goes his own merry way, happily waging war as the nation screams, "Are you nuts? Stop the goddamn war!"

He has damaged America's reputation around the world for years to come. We can only hope that (assuming we survive the next year and a half) the next president will have the intelligence and compassion required to bring Americans together and once again make America the respected leader of the free world.

Amen.

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W Meets the Press

(Video from Late Night with David Letterman)

Every time I see Bush at a press conference, I can't help but cringe. This is the man who represents the American people to the world, yet he stands up there and talks and acts like a buffoon.

Here's my most cringe-worthy moment from yesterday's press conference...

Q: Mr. President, why is he [Osama bin Laden] still at large?

THE PRESIDENT: Why is he at large? Because we haven't got him yet, Jim. That's why. And he's hiding, and we're looking, and we will continue to look until we bring him to justice. We've brought a lot of his buddies to justice, but not him. That's why he's still at large.

I see. He's still at large because we haven't got him yet. Well, that certainly clears it up. Thanks for the insightful analysis, Mr. President.

Perhaps the highlight of the presser, though, was when a sparrow flying above the president, hearing him once again endorse Alberto Gonzales, offered his opinion by dropping a load on the presidential jacket.

The sparrow was wrestled to the ground by the secret service.

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Musical Interlude: Michael Buble

He's been called the "next Sinatra." He's a Canadian crooner named Michael Buble, and his career has taken off like a rocket. Here he's singing a classic song from 1966, Feeling Good.

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Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged

Roy Pearson is a judge in Washington D.C. He's also a giant dick. He's suing his neighborhood dry cleaner for $67 million for "losing" his favorite pair of pants. He said he was really looking forward to wearing them on his first day on the bench, even though every judge I've ever seen wears a robe. He could be wearing no pants at all under there and no one would ever know!

He's claiming that the Korean couple who owns the dry cleaner committed fraud because they had signs in their window reading "Satisfaction Guaranteed" and "Same Day Service." And, oh, by the way, the dry cleaner insists they found his pants a few days after they went missing, but the dickhead claims they weren't his pants.

The case comes before a real judge soon. If he doesn't throw this case out, and make the fake judge pay a whole shitload of money to the Korean couple for all the mental anguish he caused, Congress should seriously consider abandoning the jury system altogether.

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Michael Vick is Not a Dog's Best Friend

Michael Vick is the star quarterback for the NFL's Atlanta Falcons. He's in hot water and may be suspended because of what police found on his property.

Last April 25, police raided Vick's property and seized 66 dogs (including 55 pit bulls), along with other items associated with dog fighting (treadmills, syringes and a "pry bar" to forcefully open a dog's jaws).

Vick claims that a cousin was living in his house, and he had no idea that he was involved in illegal dog fighting. Police are still investigating. The dogs will most likely have to be put down because they've been bred to be dangerous fighting animals.

I guess I don't get the entertainment value that some people derive from watching dogs rip each other apart. What kind of sick moron gets a thrill out of breeding dogs to fight and then cheering as they try to mutilate each other? I suppose the same could be said of boxing, but at least with boxers, there is a choice involved. These dogs are forced into this horrible life by their idiot owners.

If Michael Vick was involved in dog fighting, I hope they throw the book at him.

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Hookers for Hillary!

(Video from Real Time with Bill Maher)

The excitement over the big Deborah Palfrey (aka the D.C. Madam) sex scandal has died down somewhat, although her lawyer says that there may be more big names of clients coming down the pike.

We're now learning a bit more about the madam's political inclinations. She supports Hillary in '08 and "hates" Bush. ("There goes your pardon," her lawyer quipped.)

This makes sense to me. The way I see it, Democrats actually enjoy sex and Republicans think it's a horrid sin to be avoided at all costs. So I won't be surprised if some Democrats are named as clients. The fun part is watching Republicans try to explain their hypocrisy when they get caught with their pants down.

I'm still a bit puzzled, though, how you can run an escort service and hate bush.

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How NOT to Raise Your Son

(Video from Fox News)

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the right-wing radio "therapist" who loves to preach "family values" and tell listeners how to raise their kids in a "moral" way, apparently has not followed her own advice very well. The author of "Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Kids" has a son named Deryk Schlessinger. He's a soldier in the Army who was deployed earlier this year. According to an article in the Salt Lake Tribune, Deryk is...

under investigation for a graphic personal Web page that one Army official has called “repulsive.” The MySpace page, publicly available until Friday when it disappeared from the Internet, included cartoon depictions of rape, murder, torture and child molestation; photographs of soldiers with guns in their mouths; a photograph of a bound and blindfolded detainee captioned “My Sweet Little Habib”; accounts of illicit drug use; and a blog entry headlined by a series of obscenities and racial epithets.

According to the Tribune article, this creep wrote on his MySpace page:

I LOVE MY JOB, it takes everything reckless and deviant and heathenistic and just overall bad about me and hyper focuses these traits into my job of running around this horrid place doing nasty things to people that deserve it . . . and some that don’t.

Now I suppose you could say that it's unfair to blame Dr. Laura for her psycho son, but she has always been the first one to say that parents are responsible for their children's behavior.

Geez, just when everyone finally stopped talking about her nude photos, this has to happen. If it ain't one thing, it's another!

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Musical Interlude: Leonard Cohen

Canadian poet and singer/songwriter Leonard Cohen has been on the scene since the late '60s and continues to astound with his smooth, hypnotic voice. His songs have been sung by many of the best singers in the business, including Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, and Judy Collins. Here he's singing Closing Time from his 1992 album, The Future.

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Mickey Mouse Joins Hamas

In a shocking development, Mickey Mouse, the quintessential American mouse, has given up his American citizenship and joined Hamas, widely considered to be a terrorist organization.

Asked what motivated him to do such a surprising turnabout, Mickey squeaked, "I guess I just got tired of being exploited by the Disney corporate machine. They made me work 18-hour days, fed me really shitty cheese, and wouldn't let me shack up with Minnie. Hey, I've got needs."

When asked for comment, Minnie said, "To tell you the truth, I was going to dump him anyway. We had some fun times, but lately he's become such a twit."

The Disney corporation is currently engaged in preliminary discussions with Mighty Mouse about the possibility of him assuming Mickey's duties.

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Confess Your Sins to Oprah!

(Video from Robert Smigel/TV Funhouse)

Everywhere you look these days, you see presidential candidates popping up on TV talk shows. Letterman, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and many more. Candidates go on these shows to try to "humanize" themselves (a difficult task in some cases).

Of course, one of the dangers of going on these shows is the possibility that you might let one of your skeletons escape out of the closet. On the other hand, there is the school of thought that says you should get all of your skeletons out of the closet up front.

This video shows what might happen if all the candidates decided to follow that course of action.

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Impeach Gonzales

Alberto Gonzales refuses to resign, and the prez won't fire him, so now there's an online effort to impeach him. I'd love to see it, because it's just so unseemly to have a criminal heading up the Justice Department.

However, with the upcoming no-confidence vote in the Senate, there is speculation that he'll resign next week before the vote takes place.

Heck of a job, Alberto. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Weasel.

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Little Mosque on the Prairie

Back in January, the CBC in Canada started airing the first situation comedy with a Muslim theme. It has been quite successful, and in fact has been renewed for a second season. It's Little Mosque on the Prarie, and it takes a look at a Muslim family in a small Canadian town. The father has decided to move his family there from the big city to become an imam at the local mosque.

Created by Zarqa Nawaz, a Canadian Muslim woman, the show is based on her life growing up as a Muslim in a small Canadian town. It plays on some of the silly sterotypes that people have about Muslims to create humor.

At a time when there is such sensitivity about the subject, this kind of show may be one way to get people to lighten up and re-examine their feelings and beliefs about Muslims.

You have to wonder what Michael Landon would think about the show, though.

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Musical Interlude: Nancy Sinatra

Nancy Sinatra never made it to the heights that her famous father did, but in her day, she was hot. She had plenty of hits, and this is one of my favorites, Bang Bang. She still gets my motor running.

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Why Do Conservatives Hate Facts?

Wikipedia has become an online phenomenon. With over 1.7 million entries in English alone, it has become the premier online encyclopedia. Conservatives, however, in their continuing battle against anything resembling facts, have decided to create their own reality with the launch last November of Conservapedia, a "conservative" alternative to Wikipedia. Started by Andrew Schlafly, the son of legendary nutjob Phyllis Schlafly, Conservapedia calls itself "the trustworty encyclopedia," and provides readers with a daily Bible verse to prove, apparently, that God is on their side.

However, if you're looking for comprehensive information in your encyclopedia, Conservapedia may not be your encyclopedia of choice. This is the entire entry for George W. Bush's Foreign Policy...

George W. Bush has spent most of his Presidency focusing on foreign policy issues, namely the war on terror in response to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks against the USA. As part of the fight against terrorism, he got Congressional approval to invade the countries of Afghanistan and Iraq, and he successfully instituted regime changes in those countries. He is now working to end the Iraqi insurgency and stabilize the region.

But wait, there's more. To prove that the economy has improved, they site the fact that "during his term Exxon Mobile has posted the largest profit of any company in a single year." Boy, I feel better about the economy already. Thanks, Conservapedia, for opening my eyes!

Take a look at the entries for George W. Bush from each site: Conservapedia and Wikipedia. Which entry do you think is more useful?

But, to really get a flavor of these 2 sites, do this side-by-side comparison. Check out the Wikipedia entry for Conservapedia, and vice versa. The former is a straigtforward presentation of the facts, and the latter is an attack on the former.

Next up: Qube TV, the conservative alternative to YouTube. God help us all.

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Nancy Grace is a Boob

(Video from Saturday Night Live)

Good news and bad news. The good news is that Nancy Grace is leaving Court TV. The bad news is that she's still going to have a show on CNN Headline News. It's beyond me why this woman is still allowed to have anything more than a cable access show in Aurora, Illinois.

This is the woman who spent months crucifying the Duke lacross players accused of rape, only to see them cleared of all charges. I'm sure that must have galled her.

This is also the woman who viciously cross-examined, on national TV, Melinda Duckett, a young mother whose son had just disappeared. The woman was so distraught that she commited suicide the next day. Nancy says she killed herself because she was guilty. Hopefully, more light will be shed on this case soon, as Duckett's parents have brought a wrongful death suit agains Grace.

She has no love for defense attorneys and once said they were the moral equivalent of “guards at Auschwitz." Her whole approach to justice (TV style) is to assume guilt and ignore any evidence to the contrary. Well, the verdict is in on Nancy. She's guilty of being a boob.

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Don't Laugh:Challenge #1

Have you ever had a laughing fit that just fed on itself and was impossible to stop? Of course you have, but probably not on national TV. Your challenge is to watch this classic clip from Family Feud and NOT laugh. Good Luck!

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Who's Your Candidate?

(Video from LisaNova)

Welcome to The First Nuts Dicks and Boobs Straw Poll...

If the U.S. presidential election were held today, which candidate would you be most likely to vote for? What factors most influenced your choice? Use the COMMENTS section below this post to register your vote.

I'll start. I'm going with Barack Obama, or Obama-sama, as we call him here in Japan. I'd also be very happy with John Edwards and I'd support Hillary Clinton, albeit less enthusiastically. (I just think there must be more than two families in this country from which to choose our presidents.)

Obama has an electricity and charisma that hasn't been seen on the national stage since John F. Kennedy. When he speaks, he is able to lift people's spirits and make them feel good about themselves and their country. It's precisely the opposite of what Bush has done, which is to make people feel afraid of their government and the world around them.

But the number one reason that I'm with Obama is that he has been clearly against the criminal war in Iraq since the beginning, unlike most (not all) of the other Democaratic candidates. Democrats who voted for the war now find themselves trying to explain their votes to an angry electorate. I believe that most of the Democrats who voted for the war, even though they may have had serious doubts, did so because they were afraid of being labeled unpatriotic if they voted against it. Bush and his henchmen (not to mention the media) were very good at pushing that particular theme, and I think a lot of people just caved, pure and simple.

But make no mistake. This is not the Democrat's war. This is George Bush's war, and all the Republican attempts to spread the blame are doomed to failure. The American people are smarter than that.

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Musical Interlude: Neil Young

It's time to rock with the great one. Neil Young has been been rocking the house down for over 40 years. Here he is with one of my favorite songs, a great live version of Cinnamon Girl.

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Where's the Honor in Killing a Teen-Age Girl?

I'd heard about honor killings in Iraq and other countries in the region, but it didn't really hit home for me until I saw the recent video on CNN of a 17-year-old girl being stoned and beaten to death in the street while the cops stood there and spectators took pictures with their cell phones.

It turned my stomach. What the hell is wrong with these men? This young girl had apparently committed the sin of falling in love with someone who did not share her particular faith. For that, she was dragged into the street by a mob of men and murdered. Other women have been murdered for the sin of being raped or committing adultery, often by their own family members. Governments have often become accomplices, by not prosecuting or not taking these crimes seriously.

Another factor is that when the U.S. dismantled most of Iraq's legal system, it kept intact Article 130 of the penal code, which vastly reduced sentences for "honor killings" (as little as six months).

The image of this young woman lying in the street in a pool of blood will stay with me for a long time. Her name was Du'a Khalil Aswad. May she rest in peace.

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Nuclear Nuts

How safe are we from a possible terrorist attack on a nuclear plant? The question has been raised anew after William E. Clark, who was the security chief at the Palisades nuclear power plant near South Haven on Lake Michigan, told Esquire magazine that he had been a government assassin.

The magazine article suggested that Clark was "emotionally unstable," which is a polite way to say he's nuts. If he really is nuts, that certainly raises some troubling questions about the screening process that applicants are subjected to before they're hired. How exactly does it happen that a nut becomes the head of security at a nuclear power plant?

Add that to the fact that nuclear power plants are still vulnerable to attack from the air, and you have to wonder what the hell the Bush administration's priorities are when it comes to protecting us from terrorism.

Hey, at least they're on top of the toothpaste threat at the airport.

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Hannity and Hitchens: Best Friends Forever

Apparently there's an unwritten rule in the media that when a prominent person dies, you are only allowed to say nice things about him. At least, that's the impression I've gotten from watching a lot of the media coverage of the death of Jerry Falwell. But then along comes Christopher Hitchens and blows the lid off that convention. Hitchens, an athiest, lobbed his first grenades on CNN, and then lobbed a few more on Fox's Hannity and Colmes.

Hannity (and Colmes, too) seems to think that Hitchens should hold his fire until some more time has passed, out of respect for the Falwell family. I suppose you could make a case for that, but this is a classic case of hypocrisy on the part of Hannity and Fox. They invited Hitchens onto their show, knowing full-well exactly what he would say. (They just watched him on CNN the day before!)

If they were truly concerned about causing pain to the Falwell family, they would never have invited him to come on the show. But of course, Hannity knew that Hitchens would cause fireworks, and he knew that he would get to attack him and call him silly names. He knew that it would be good TV. The allure of big ratings apparently trumped his concern for the Falwell clan.

The truth is that when a person dies, people often feel more charitable towards him. However, in the case of Jerry Falwell, that's a pretty tall order.

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Tom Cruise Scares Me

(Video by David Ippolito)

Here at Nuts Dicks & Boobs, it's our mission to shine a bright light on all the nuts, dicks, and boobs surrounding us. So it's exciting when someone like David Ippolito comes along and makes our job easier by rounding up a whole bunch of nuts, dicks, and boobs and putting them into a snappy little ditty called Tom Cruise Scares Me.

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Oh My God!

(Video by The Late Show with Craig Ferguson)

Julia Sweeney has come out of the closet to tell the world that she's an athiest. You may remember her from her days at Saturday Night Live, where she immortalized Pat, a person of questionable gender.

She's created a one-woman show called Letting Go of God that has become a smash hit (available now on CD).

In a world where people are shunned for daring to say that they're an athiest, it's refreshing to see someone able to articulate their position with grace and humor. Who else would explain their belief by invoking the invisible purple dinosaur theory?

In this appearance on The Late Show with Craig Ferguson, the host has his own unique theory of why God must exist.

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Bible Lessons in the Bible Belt

Back in 2005, the school board in Odessa, Texas, voted to initiate new, elective Bible classes in their public schools. Now there is a group of parents who are suing the school district. One of the plaintiffs, Doug Hildebrand (an ordained Presbyterian deacon) says, "Religion is very important in my family and we are very involved in our religious community. But the public schools are no place for religious indoctrination that promotes certain beliefs that not all the kids in the school share."

The number of U.S. states offering Bible classes in the public schools has actually risen in the last 6 years from 29 to 37. Most of these classes have been very successful and have not encountered any opposition. So what's different about the Odessa case?

The difference is that in Odessa, the curriculum is designed to promote a Christian fundamentalist view of the Bible. They use the King James version of the Bible as the text. In reality, they're religion classes. Bible classes in other states are designed to study the historical and cultural importance of the Bible and students are taught to use critical thinking skills to decide religious matters for themselves. They're literature classes.

A lot of school districts have been gun-shy about teaching the Bible since a 1963 U.S. Supreme Court ruling that said it was unconstitutional to make Bible devotionals and prayers mandatory in public schools. However, the same decision said that study of the Bible is constitutional when "taught objectively as part of a secular program."

It's an easy distinction to make. Teach, don't preach.

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Musical Interlude: Lisa Ekdahl

Take a listen to one of my favorite singers. Lisa Ekdahl is a jazz and pop singer from Sweden, and in this video she pleads with her man to make up his mind. It's called Now or Never.

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Why Do the Terrorists Hate Us?

(Video from Fox News)

There was an interesting exchange in yesterday's Republican debate between Rep. Ron Paul and Rudi Giuliani. It centered on the question of why the terrorists attacked us on 9/11. The mainstream Republican theory, of course, is that "they hate us for our freedoms." Rep. Paul made the case that they didn't attack us for who we ARE, but for what we DO.

Although I'm sure that Al Queda doesn't approve of our lifestyle and form of government, I think the fact that we feel the need to have a giant footprint in their neighborhood is a much greater motivating factor for them. Of course, that didn't stop Giuliani from demanding that Paul retract his statement (which he declined to do).

It's a little like the kid in 6th grade who's always getting bullied. He doesn't hate the bully because of his cool lifestyle. He hates him because he's always beating him up. Maybe we should stop acting like the world's bully, and look for ways to get along with the rest of the world. As a start, perhaps we could stop trying to impose our values and way of life on other countries.

Just a thought.

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Jerry Falwell's Legacy

(Video from WKRP in Cincinnatti)

Jerry Falwell has left the building, but has left behind a lasting legacy of intolerance towards gays, liberals, and godless secularists. Pretty much anyone who didn't believe what he did. He claimed that AIDS was God's punishment for gays, blamed 9/11 on "gays, abortionists, feminists, and pagans," and even went after lovable Tinky Winky (the purple Teletubby) for "promoting the gay agenda." (Huh?)

Of course, he'll also be remembered as the founder of the Moral Majority in the 80's (apparently the rest of us were part of the Immoral Minority), and was a major force in getting fundamentalist Christians mobilized as a political force. As a direct result of this effort, George W. Bush became president. Thanks for nothing.

Part of the measure of his influence on the American culture, however, can be found in the fictional characters on various TV shows that were based on him. Check out this clip from WKRP in Cincinnatti, in which "Dr. Bob" is threatening an economic boycott of the station because of the music being played.

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The Simpsons Hit the Big Time!

It took 18 years, but Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie have finally made it to the big screen. Coming this summer, The Simpsons Movie will lift America, and indeed the world, out of its doldrums. In fact, there is a very good possibility that it will also save us from global warming.

The Simpsons television show has cranked out nearly 400 episodes and is America's longest-running sitcom. In 1998, Time magazine named it the 20th century's best television series.

The only bad news is that I have to wait 2 more months before I can see it. D'oh!

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Scientologists Go to War with the BBC

John Sweeney is a BBC reporter who recently completed a documentary about Scientology. Apparently, his first mistake was not telling everyone how Scientology is going to save the world and insisting that people rush out and sign up (and don't forget your checkbook).

Instead, he did what reporters are supposed to do. He investigated. He asked questions. He tried to find out what was really going on with this so-called religion. For his efforts, he was harrassed, threatened, and followed.

The brouhaha that has erupted via YouTube started when Sweeney called Scientology a cult. Apparently, that hit a nerve with Tommy Davis, the Scientology spokeman in the documentary. He started a shouting match with Sweeney, and Sweeney, in an effort to outshout him, went nuclear.

The boys at Scientology, never ones to miss a golden PR opportunity, distributed their own footage of the incident in an effort to discredit Sweeney, which is, by the way, standard operating procedure for them. They're very big on killing the messenger. Sweeney explained what happened on the BBC site.

Oh, and by the way, if you're not sure what Scientology is about, it's a "religion" that was founded by science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard back in 1952. It teaches that "75 million years ago an intergalactic space alien lord called Xenu kidnapped Thetans to earth, dumped them in volcanoes and blew them up with atomic bombs." Sounds like something a science-fiction writer would come up, doesn't it?

By the way, before you could possess that knowledge, you pretty much had to turn over your life savings to Scientology. But with the power of the Internet, you can now know it for absolutely nothing! Check out this really phenomenal investigative piece by Janet Reitman in Rolling Stone magazine. It's called Inside Scientology.

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The Hermann Goering Recipe for War

Hermann Goering, accused Nazi, sat in his cell talking to Gustave Gilbert, while on trial at Nuremberg for crimes against humanity. Gilbert was a German-speaking intelligence officer and psychologist who had been granted free access by the Allies to all prisoners held in the Nuremberg jail. He recorded the conversations in his journal.

In one of their conversations, Gilbert mentioned to Goering his belief that the common people were not very thankful for leaders who take them to war.

Goering said...

Why, of course, the people don't want war. Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece. Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship.

Gilbert replied...

There is one difference. In a democracy the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars.

Goering answered...

Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.

Sound familiar?

(tip of the hat to steve in arizona)

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Musical Interlude: Johnny Cash

I love this video. It was made shortly before his death, and listening to his voice, you can hear the pain that he had experienced in his life. Listen to one of America's legendary performers as he sings a cover of Nine Inch Nails "Hurt".

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Alberto Gonzales is a Weasel

(Video from Saturday Night Live)

I can't believe Alberto Gonzales is still running the Justice Department. Isn't anybody paying attention to how corrupt this little weasel is? C'mon, it's been in the papers.

He is supposed to be the nation's number one law enforcement officer. We now know, though, that he used his power to try to corrupt the very justice system that he's supposed to make sure is incorruptible. And, oh yeah, he's a proven liar. Is it too much to ask that the U.S. Attorney General be a truth-teller?

Alberto apparently believes that his job is to serve the interests of the Republican party, when I always thought it was his job to serve the interests of ALL Americans. Silly me.

But, hey, George says you're doing a great job, so I (and most of the American people) must be wrong about you. Besides, we know that you were just carrying out orders for George and Karl. So carry on, weasel. Sorry to have bothered you.

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Watch This Video!

(Video from Brave New Films)

If you don't watch any other video on this site, watch this one. It's poet Steve Connell's take on the recent 4-year anniversary of Bush's Mission Accomplished speech. A speech that shall live in infamy.

In his rap, he makes the point that Bush played right into Bin Laden's hands when he invaded Iraq. It's exactly what he wanted us to do. He counted on the fact that we "wouldn't think, just react." The ghosts of Iraq "beg us to do better than those who have wronged us."

After you watch the video, watch it again.

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How to Make a Good Impression

(Video from Late Night with David Letterman)

I'm a sucker for a good impressionist, and Frank Caliento is one of the best. He nails the infamous Bush smirk. Forget about all your problems and take a comedy break.

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Hot Cheerleader Alert!

(Video from Hot Air)

Oh yeah baby! Michelle Malkin getting her cheerleader groove on! I can feel my loins stirring as we speak!

This is Malkin's attempt at biting satire. The only thing lamer than the production values is her name-calling...

The Democrats are Defeatocrats!

Well, my answer to that is...

I know you are, but what am I?

Welcome to intelligent political debate, 21st-century style.

The Republicans got the country into this illegal, criminal war on the basis of lies, but when Democrats attempt to reflect the will of the American people to get our troops back home safe and sound, they're accused of causing our "defeat."

Michelle, babe, take a hard look at the facts. Bush blew it. We're in a no-win situation. Staying in a no-win situation, in the middle of a civil war, while our soldiers continue to die, is immoral. Getting out is called "cutting our losses."

Sure, it's a bitter pill to swallow, but put the blame where it belongs, squarely on the President's shoulders. Stop trying to deflect attention to the other side. The only thing they're doing is trying to clean up the mess that your side made.

And by the way, if you're serious about this whole cheerleader thing, take some dance lessons or something. That was not pretty!

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Do They Think We're Idiots?

(Video from Fox News)

I, for one, am getting pretty tired of Bush and Tenet and the rest repeating the mantra that "we don't torture." They admit, however, that they use "enhanced interrogation techniques." When asked about them, they say, "we don't talk about techniques."

Do they think we're not able to recognize a euphemism when it's hurled at us? More to the point, do they think we've forgotten about Abu Ghraib?

America has always prided itself on occupying the moral high ground. We're always the first to point the finger at other countries for human rights abuses. Look at what we've become. Is this the America that we want to portray as a model to the rest of the world?

In the video above, Steve Harrigan continues the silly journalistic tradition (pioneered by Rick Sanchez of CNN) of letting themselves be abused in the name of news, as he volunteers to be waterboarded. My favorite quote from the video is when he exclaims, "It took less than 20 minutes to break me." I'm not sure what vital information he gave up, but I suspect that the shameful secret he confessed to was that he works for Fox News.

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Mothers for Peace

The American Mother's Day has its roots in a Mother's Day Proclamation written by social activist Julia Ward Howe. After the carnage of the Civil War, she wrote the Proclamation as a plea to bring an end to war.

This year I hope you'll honor mothers everywhere who have sacrificed their sons and daughters in war by working for peace.

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